One Of My Least Favorite Things

“Here, let me put you on speaker phone!”

It’s well-known that I don’t like cell phones (see my article for VICE Magazine), but the truth is I don’t like any kind of phone, not a rotary phone, not a cordless phone, not a payphone, in fact, no phone at all. I’m partial to the phrase “A phone is an appliance, not an obligation,” and I treat all phones like appliances, annoying appliances, appliances that I want to silence or rip out of people’s hands.

But one of the worst phone-gadget-accessory-inventions is the speaker phone. That small insidious button is a true asshole.

I hate being put on speaker phone.

Hate it.

I hate speaker phone like other people hate Justin Bieber, or long lines at the super market, or heavy traffic, or car trouble. I have never knowingly put another human being on speaker phone in my lifetime, and I hope I never become a terrible enough person to do this to someone I love.

There are so many things I hate about speaker phone, so it’s difficult to know where to begin with my rant. Maybe I’ll just start with this one, tiny, abominable phrase:

“Oh here, let me switch you over to speaker phone so you can talk to everyone.”

Really? You’ll do that for me? You’ll switch me over to speaker phone so I can talk to EVERYONE?